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Jason Pawlak

Me and my Internet

Husband, Dad, Navy Officer, Coder, and Tinkerer. I have many interests and am always looking to learn something new. This site is a launching point to the many areas of the Internet that represent me.

When Office Supplies Attack

So I was sitting in my cube today waiting for something to compile and kinda just playing with a staple remover.  I had a piece of paper and was acting like the staple remover was alive and biting through the piece of paper.  It was cool to watch it initially go through the paper.  Then I had this piece of plastic laying around and let the staple remover sink its teeth into that.

It was at this point that I realized… it would be a very scary day if all the office equipment suddenly came alive.

You would have staplers wobbling along next to staple removers.  The stapler would rear up like an angry python, start shooting staples at you while the staple remover snuck in for the hand-to-hand combat.  All the while, the power cord to your computer would  slither along toward your legs where it would wrap tight.  And before you knew what hit you a swarm of paper clips use group force to hold down your arms while office chairs rolled in place, blocking all possible exits.  Thumb tacks would find height in door frames, acting as an archer in cooperation with rubber bands, ready to cut off intruders and/or escapees.

A scary day indeed.

We should be thankful for the alliance with items of the break room, which always remained loyal as friendly allies.  The refrigerator will use its large girth to thwart off the attack of the copy machine while the coffee pot rolls around collecting the enemy combatants before rolling onto its top trapping it’s prisoners not only in a glass jail cell but a glass jail cell that has the intoxicating aroma of a caffeinated addiction.  The fallen paper clips, staples, and other miniature office supply items that have found themselves trapped would soon be filled with new found energy making them move faster than ever, crashing into one another, unable to control themselves.  The coffee pot would take the internal beating for the team as it holds tight until all is still in post caffeine high, crash.

As everyone knows, the microwave wouldn’t be of much help, being only useful for one thing… heating up food.  It would be silly to think of the microwave in any other way.

Soon negotiations would be held between top officials of both parties.  The CEO would meet in a secured location with a group of Zebra pens.  The debates and the flaring of tempers would be heard for many hours on end.  Captured CD-R’s and Office Admins would wait nervously in the tight grips of their captors.  All chaos would be put on hold during the cease fire agreement.  An eerie silence void of noise would be too much for some.  Office trees would shudder… their dusty leaves shaking clean.

Finally, the CEO and Zebra pens would emerge smiling in a completely false fashion.  Memos would be issued about the treatment of office supplies.  Do not use the staple removers to clean the gunk off the bottom of your shoes.  Do not use pens to scratch the nasty rash you found on your back in the morning.  And more important than all, do not over-stretch the rubber bands.  People would grumble, but it would pass.  The office would return to normal, and all would be forgotten.

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