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Bathroom Concierge

Posted by Jason in November 22nd 2009

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Ever since I was 2 or so years old … I was able to go to the bathroom all on my own. Now that I am 24 years old, I have had about 22 years of experience doing my business, and might I add, I do my business just fine.

Lately I have been thinking about not just the purpose, but also the type of person that is a bathroom concierge. I doubt there has ever been a little girl or little boy that looks up at his or her parents, with stars in their eyes … dreams in the minds … goals ready to be had … and states: “When I grow up, I want to give people towels, mints, and mouthwash after they poop!”

At what point of unemployment does a person just give up all hope and dignity and volunteer to stand in a bathroom, listening to certain sounds, and taking scent of certain smells, only to have a basket on the bathroom counter for where people will place their coins and dollar bills? Does the job description sound better or worse than a homeless person? Well, at least the homeless get to pick which corner … and if they take a squat behind a park bench, they can move on to a different area instead of setting up camp 5 feet away.

Maybe there is a certain level of social “class” where a bathroom concierge is found to be acceptable — rather, there is a need for someone to hand you a towel and wish you good day as you pull your pants up. Perhaps initially the bathroom concierge was there to make sure everyone was zipping up their zippers as to avoid potential humiliation. Or maybe the reason is for people that typically (and disgustingly) skip the second part of using the restroom, washing their hands, and making them feel obligated to visit the sink and use soap (not just water), as they would have been “caught in the action” of not washing their hands.

Really the concept of a bathroom concierge is a mystery to me.

I just do not understand the level of laziness someone must have taken on when they decided that, wow … sometimes after using the bathroom, “I am so winded and tired that I can not even reach up for a towel to dry my hands.” Or, “Wow I really needed to pee … now if only I had a mint!”

If I were a bathroom concierge, I would make a bit of entertainment out of it. When a person comes from a stall after an extended stay and is surprised to see a stranger, offering them a mint and towel, I’d get a big smile on my face and say, “Oh I bet you feel better after that!” Or if someone is really going to town in a stall, I’d show my support for the bathroom team and chant, “You can do it!” Or even if it is a line of guys all leaving the bathroom at the same time, I’d hold my hand down low, hunched slightly and say, “Good job, good job, good job, good job” just to see how people would react.

I know the bathroom concierge are suppose to represent class. And I am all about having the “full experience” of service when going to a classy restaurant. But believe me, once I step away from the table with an urge to relieve myself … I got it, don’t worry about me, I can take care of myself.