pwlk blog

Here’s the problem with falling for someone that is already taken.

Let’s first look at the way normal single guy falls for normal single girl. Guy meets girl and they strike interest in one another. Guy flirts with girl and girl flirts with guy. Guy asks girl out and girl happily accepts the offer. Guy and girl go out and have great time. They are now dating.

Now let’s look at the way normal single guy falls for not so single girl. Guy meets girl and they strike interest in one another. Guy flirts with girl and girl flirts (in a friendly manner) with guy. … … …

That’s it, see the dilemma? While normal single guy flirts with not so single girl, he enjoys her company more and more, but this doesn’t change the fact that she is still not single. Not so single girl has fun time hanging out with normal single guy but is not single, so there are no thoughts of anything more than friendly friends. This chain of events leaves normal single guy very frustrated, or worse, infatuated with the not so single girl to a point where awkwardness arises.

Possible outcomes are as follows:
- Outcome A – Normal single guy has blinders on looking only towards his not single girl and misses all other opportunities of normal single girls
- Outcome B – Normal single guy goes too far and ruins friendship with not so single girl
- Outcome C – Not so single girl becomes normal single girl and falls for normal single guy
- Outcome D – Normal single guy and not so single girl remain just friendly friends

Two out of the four possible outcomes are acceptable endings…

To obtain one of these four possible outcomes there are three possible approaches (while still remaining friends):
- Approach A – Normal single guy remains (quietly) fallen for not so single girl
- Approach B – Normal single guy forces himself to not completely fall for not so single girl
- Approach C – Normal single guy makes feelings known to not so single girl

Another viewpoint is needed in addition to expand the outlook environment to beyond the capacity of the normal single guy and not so single girl. There is indeed a third party involved. The outlier is the reason that not so single girl is not so single, the boyfriend.

Taking two very strict scenarios of boyfriend there are different approaches that could be taken.

Scenario 1: Let’s say the boyfriend is not a very nice person. The not so single girl is with the not very nice boyfriend for reasons unknown whether he is all she’s known or other, it is not important, not very nice boyfriend is a risk in the normal single guy’s mind to both the girl and himself.

Scenario 2: Let’s say the boyfriend is a very nice person. The not so single girl is with the very nice boyfriend for obvious reasons known to everyone.

In scenario two with having very nice boyfriend as the “competition”, normal single guy should put himself in the very nice boyfriend’s shoes and watch some normal single guy try and take not so single girl away. That’s not cool (period).

In scenario one with having not a very nice boyfriend as the “competition”, normal single guy should put himself in the not very nice boyfriend’s shoes and watch some normal single guy try and take not so single girl away. First normal single guy should decide whether he is faster than not very nice boyfriend, and if answer is no, should probably not attempt approach C in hopes of outcome C. Normal single guy is still able to take approach A or B though. If it is possible that normal single guy is faster than not very nice boyfriend there are options. Normal single guy then has liberty to attempt any approach A, B, or C in hopes of outcome C.

The question then arises, though, who decides whether the boyfriend falls into scenario one or scenario two.
These two scenarios are strict and do not represent most of the boyfriend population that would date not so single girl such as the not so single girl normal single guy is interested in. With out knowing which scenario boyfriend is in, it is not possible to choose which approach is acceptable without delving in a little further.

Approach A in short term can only return outcome A
Approach B in short term can only return outcome D
Approach C in short term can return B, C, or D (however a halfway outcome of A can be given because not so single girl will know that normal single guy has fallen for her and normal single guy will remain a friend although still fallen for not so single girl, even after being rejected)

With mindset that outcomes C and D are acceptable where outcome B is the worst we can weigh the outcomes on a scale of -2 to +2 where +2 is the best outcome and -2 is the worst outcome.

Outcome A: -1
Outcome B: -2
Outcome C: +2
Outcome D: +1

We can then figure out the total for the approaches:

Approach A = outcome A = -1
Approach B = outcome D = +1
Approach C = outcome B + C + D + (1/2)A = +0.5

When looking at totals the logical approach is indeed approach B where normal single guy is guaranteed a remaining friendship with not so single girl and normal single guy has other opportunities with other normal single girls.

Now combining these numerical results with the scenarios give above we find the following:

If scenario one-a (being slower than not very nice boyfriend) is true and approach A or B are the options, it is logical to take approach B with the given positive numbers (and teeth still being intact).

If scenario one-b (being faster than not very nice boyfriend) is true and approach A, B, or C are the options, the numbers work themselves and Approach B is again the safest option.

If scenario two (not so single girl having very nice boyfriend) is true, you have no approach options if you want to abide by the man code (which this document is based upon).

All scenario’s point to the safest option of approach B: Normal single guy forcing himself to not remain fallen for not so single girl and still remaining friends.

This setup is, however, flawed. There is a happiness additive that was not calculated in. If normal single guy doesn’t care about his happiness, then the option for him is approach B, the safest option. If happiness is important to normal single guy then the following should be accounted for:

With the following outcomes, the happiness additive is this (please remember this is a short term
calculation):
Outcome A: 2
Outcome B: 0
Outcome C: 3
Outcome D: 2

Now our results are as follows:
Approach A = 2 + (outcome A) = +1
Approach B = 2 + (outcome D) = +3
Approach C = (0 + 3 + 2)/3 + ((1/2)2)/1 + (outcome B + C + D + (1/2)A) = 3.16

With the happiness additive, we find that approach C squeezes by with the most logical sense.

However, (yes there is a however) the final problem with this equation is that no one is able to judge completely whether the boyfriend of not so single girl is within scenario one or scenario two. With this being known, we must add in a +/- 0.5 level of uncertainty.

This means the range for Approach C is +2.5 to +3.5 where the range for Approach C is +2.66 to +3.66. Where this overlap in values occurs lays concern for normal single guy.

Since this equation is only good for short term, it should be noted that outcome B of no longer being friends would have more negative happiness as time moves on. With this in mind a decision has to be made between approach B and approach C. Since approach C has possibility of outcome B, caution should be used. Approach B is still the safest, however there is that level between +3.5 and +3.66 that demands attention.

Best of luck normal single guy!